No. 1 tip from Tiger to Obama: don't cheat on your wife with more than 14 women!

I began this post when the first couple of Tiger’s ‘women’ crawled out of the woodwork, but for various reasons never got the time to throw in my 2 cents on the story everyone is giving an opinion on.  Since then, more than 10 extra women have stepped forward claiming to have had affairs with the greatest golfer in the world (and at least one of the top two of all-time).  Just what is the deal?

The story

If you have been living under a rock the past few weeks, here is a brief synopsis.

News breaks – Tiger Woods involved in car accident outside his Florida home.  He refuses to speak to police, arousing suspicion that he has something to hide.  NYC nightclub hostess (whatever that is) Rachel Uchitel is rumoured to have had affair with Woods, which she vehemently denies.  Woods sends cryptic public message, causing rumours to get worse.  More women step forward claiming to have bedded the first billionaire sportsman, some equipped with ‘evidence’.  Then more.  And then even more.  Cocktail waitresses, ugly hags and even porn stars claim to have had a go.  Woods takes time from golf indefinitely to save his marriage.  Woods’ wife Elin set to leave him and take a massive chunk out of his fortune.  Jessica Simpson is thrown into the mix because they were photographed on a golf course together (??).

The list

As I understand it, here is the current list of Tiger’s women:

1. Rachel Uchitel – NYC nightclub hostess
2. Jaimee Grubbs – cocktail waitress and reality TV contestant (Tool Academy – and she wasn’t even the tool!)
3. Kalika Moquin – Vegas promoter
4. Cori Rist – failed model
5. Jamie Jungers – lingerie model who used Tiger’s money for lipo
6. Mindy Lawton – trailer trash waitress
7. Holly Sampson – ‘former’ porn star
8. Joslyn James – ‘current’ porn star
9. Loredena Jolie – Playboy model and hooker
10. Julie Postle – former cocktail waitress
11. Unidentified Alleged Mistress No. 11 is reported to be a “sexy” British TV presenter who was single at the time, but is now married.
12. Unidentified Alleged Mistress No. 12. is reported in a UK paper to be a “sex-addicted cougar.”
13. Julie Postle. Named by the New York Post, through her ex-boyfriend.
14. Theresa Rogers – cougar (before Tiger’s marriage so I guess it was okay)

My guess is any trashy woman who has ever gotten close to Woods and wants a bit of money will claim that they got it on with the Tiger, so I’m not sure how reliable all these allegations are.  On the other hand, there are probably many more out there that really did get it on with him but have either been paid off or don’t want to tarnish their own reputation, so they’re staying quiet.  Probably balances out in the end.  Regardless, cheating once is bad enough, isn’t it?  So what if it is 14 or 18?

Thoughts

Tiger’s public image has always been a bit too good to be true.  It’s not really as though he’s tried to put himself out there as a chaste family man (like say Naomi Campbell claiming that she doesn’t use drugs), but he had always managed to stay out of the spotlight off the golf course and kept his private life private.  Too late.

Who knew he was so good at getting it in the hole off the golf course?  On the course of fidelity, Tiger has shot a +14 right now, and it seems he’s still stuck in the bunker.

But really, is it that much of a surprise that he had an affair?  Honestly?  Good looking, fit young man.  Best golfer of this generation and possibly of all time.  Billionaire.  Ego almost as big as Michael Jordan.  Touring for most of the year.  Excessively private.

The shock for me was the number of women, and most of all the calibre of the women.  Take a look this photo of wife Elin (with Tiger).

Now take a look at this photo of Mindy Lawton.

Seriously.  After cleaning up your vomit, can you tell me what the problem is here?

And this whole business about ‘quitting’ golf indefinitely to save a marriage that is certain to end in divorce?  Another bad PR stunt.  Elin’s going to be a filthy rich woman regardless – there’s no reason for her to stick around and live with this douche and with the humiliation for the rest of her life.  The thing is, had Woods not been caught out, would he have had the conscience to stop racking up the ladies on his tally?  I thought so.  If only he had spoken to police instead of avoiding them (3 times), maybe nothing would have happened and he could have kept going, and who knows how many more women he would have cheated with?

The best thing for him is to keep playing and winning golf (which I am sure he will) because the public tend to forgive and forget as long as the sportsman is good enough.  No one talks about Muhammad Ali’s multiple affairs.  Not Michael Jordan’s either.  Insanely good sportsmen tend to be given a second chance without asking for it.

PS: now all we have to do is wait for some scandal to rock Roger Federer, and Gillette will probably go into administration.

It’s been more than a week since my last post on this blog, and for that I am truly sorry.  I actually have 7 or 8 totally awesome drafts in preparation, but I just haven’t had the time to fill out the content.  Hopefully they will all come in the next day or two.

Needlessly to say, work is still the main reason I am dying here.  Long hours and lack of sleep and stress is not a good combo.  I’ve literally done nothing for like 3 weeks except sit at a desk for 14-16 hours a day, and yet I’ve somehow managed to lose 3kgs.  Stress can do nasty things.

The good news is that one more week of this crap and I’m on holidays.  Get prepared for a gourmet extravaganza through Taipei (Taiwan), which I will diligently detail on this blog.  It’s going to be sensational.  When I come back in January, I’m searching for a new job (need to think long and hard about what that’s going to be, but it’s going to be a change).  Then my part-time editing and publishing course will commence in March.  It’s going to be an exciting year and I’m looking forward to it.

My other blog, Pacers Pulse, is still around, though MVN (the network that runs it) is about to shut down.  It’s actually a blessing in disguise as the blog is now being moved to the Bloguin network, which will finally earn me my first cents as a blogger!  It’s going to be an ultra savvy, beautiful looking blog and I’m going to put a lot of effort into that.  In other exciting news, I’m trying out to be a writer at the great sports blog Bleacher Report (following an unexpected invite).  I’ve delayed it for a while but I’ll have to put together a neat article over the weekend to submit.  Fingers crossed.

Another good thing to come out of all this crap at work is that I’ve come up with a new idea for a book.  A non-fiction memoir chronicling my insane experiences at a commercial law firm.  I have a co-writer who is also very enthusiastic about the project and I will expand on this fully in an upcoming post.  In short, it will be crazy, outrageous, unbelievable, hilarious, and absolutely 100% true.

Stay tuned.  Lots of good stuff coming up!

If I had to sum up the zombie comedy Zombieland in five words, it would be “Pretty good but not great”.

Directed by Ruben Fleischer (no previous work worthy of noting), it has a premise we’ve seen a few times before – the country (America) being overtaken by zombies and an unlikely hero trying to survive against all odds.  That’s about as much as I want to give away.  As with most films, try and avoid the previews if you can.  Plenty of great scenes, lines and jokes were unnecessarily ruined by the previews I had the misfortune of coming across.  If I hadn’t seen them in advance I probably would have liked the film more.

What sets Zombieland apart from other zombie movies of late is that it is more comedy than horror, and what sets it apart from other zombie comedies is that it is actually pretty funny.  It’s definitely more Shaun of the Dead than 28 Days Later, but the laughs aren’t as silly or outrageous – not quite, anyway.  Much of the humour stems from the quirky character traits of, and the witty banter between, the two leads, played by Jesse Eisenberg (from Adventureland, who seems forever destined to battle Michael Cera for all the goofy, awkward boy roles) and Woody Harrelson (last seen by me in 2012, the movie not the year).  Rounding out the main quartet are Emma Stone (Jules from Superbad) and Abigail Breslin (My Sister’s Keeper, Little Miss Sunshine), who both put in solid performances without stealing the show.

Zombieland knows exactly what kind of movie it is trying to be.  Extremely gory (no shortage of over-the-top blood and guts), tongue-in-cheek, and nonchalant about the fact that the whole country (and probably world) has been overrun by zombies who just want to eat human flesh.  And yet, Zombieland does have charm and it does have heart, though it never steps over the line into melodrama as that would mean caring too much – and that would just be too uncool for a movie like this.

That said, Zombieland is far from perfect.  There are a number of slower bits strewn throughout the film, far more than there should be.  And while it is funny, not all the jokes hit the mark, and sometimes it even risks trying too hard to be amusing.  And of course, though it is technically a comedy/horror, the film is not particularly frightening.  The zombies are there more for the laughs than the chills, and you never get the sense that there is any real danger.

Weighing up all the pros and cons, I’d probably say Zombieland is a 3-star movie that is worth watching, but to be honest I wanted it to be much more than just a sweet, mildly enjoyable film.  However, there is a special surprise in Zombieland that is worth a whole half-star by itself – hands down the most unexpected, insane, hilarious cameo I’ve seen in…possibly ever!  Accordingly…

3.5 stars out of 5!

George Costanza is back, baby!

In my humble opinion, George Costanza (Seinfeld) is the greatest sitcom character of all time.  And naturally, the actor that plays George, Jason Alexander, is my favourite sitcom actor (and probably TV actor) of all time.

And so when I found out that Jason Alexander’s Comedy Spectacular was returning to Sydney, I didn’t hesitate to buy tickets immediately.  The chance to see the closest thing I have to a hero was too rare an opportunity to pass up.  It didn’t matter to me that the description of the show stated that Alexander was ‘hosting’ a night of comedy, which made me slightly concerned that they were merely using his name to promote a show predominantly featuring other comics.

The verdict?  Pure gold! By far the best comedy night I have ever been to.

This was truly Jason Alexander’s Comedy Spectacular.  Alexander featured all the way through the 3-hour+ extravaganza, and he was in superb form from start to finish.  The show began with a hilarious long solo stand-up act from the man himself (much longer than I had expected).  It wasn’t just recycled material either – there were plenty of references to more recent events (from the death of Michael Jackson to Tiger Woods’ indiscretions to Australia’s new opposition leader to of course, the wedding between 66-year-old Geoffrey Edelsten and his 25 year-old-bride Brynne Gordon which Alexander was paid to attend) and was full of improvisation and spontaneity.

Following the solo act, Alexander began introducing a stellar cast of local comedians.  On this particular night, he had stand-ups Glenn Robbins, Mick Molloy and Julia Morris, music-comedy trio The Axis of Awesome, and improv specialist Rebecca de Unamano.  For those who know a little about Australian comedy, this is a formidable line-up.  Good enough to sell-out venues even without the headlining superstar.  Here’s a brief review of each of the secondary acts:

Glenn Robbins – by far the funniest comedian of the night not named Jason Alexander.  He started off a little slow, but was absolutely on fire before it was over and had the crowds rolling in the isles.

Mick Molloy – the fat lady beside me sounded like she was about to die from laughter, but Mick’s comedy really didn’t do it for me personally – though to be fair he had a couple of good one-liners.

Julia Morris – consistent, female-oriented comedy with some decent laughs, but nothing that made me piss myself.

Axis of Awesome – great talents, but compared to the experienced and polished comics, felt a little amateurish – that was, until their final song, which was a bloody masterpiece.

Rebecca de Unamano – great fun because she utilised Jason Alexander’s talents and got the rest of the cast involved – and not a bad comedian herself.

The greatest thing was that even though the night was split between various acts, it was well and truly Alexander’s show.  He was there from the beginning, he was by far the longest act, and he continued to throw in gut-busting lines and jokes (often at Michael Jackson’s expense) between the other acts.  My favourite parts of the show were (in no particular order):

• the Q&A session with the crowd before the intermission, which largely circled around Seinfeld, of course.  We found out what Jerry Seinfeld said to the gang before they went out for the last episode, what Alexander’s favourite George Costanza line is, and we even saw Alexander sign the leg of some dude in front of me who had George Constanza’s face tattooed on his leg!  No joke;
• Jason Alexander’s amazing Broadway musical medley to kick start the second half of the show; and
• the improvisation session with the entire cast which finished up the night – Alexander was at his absolute best, even outdoing the master of improv Rebecuitca de Unamano.

All in all, it was indeed a comedy spectacular!  Highly recommended if you are lucky enough to have the opportunity to see it.

5 out of 5 stars!

About a month ago I tried to attempt what many may have done before me – attempt NaNoWriMo without actually entering into NaNoWriMo.  That is, write 50,000 words on my work-in-progress fantasy novel in the month of November.

The verdict: epic fail.

Try 10,000 words (which, to be fair, is not that bad under the circumstances).  I tried, I really did.  But I just couldn’t find the time.  For most of the month, I was working 13-15 hour days, 5 days a week.  Travel time to and from work took up 1.5-2 hours per day.  Factor in 7-8 hours of sleep a night, keeping up with blog posts and needing almost the entire weekend to unwind and recover, that didn’t leave much time for writing.

Where does that leave me?  Two positives came out of this experience.  One, I progressed another 10,000 words on that first draft.  Two, and more importantly, I know for certain that if I ever want to finish this book, I need to find another job.  At this rate, it would probably take another 10 years, so it doesn’t really leave me much choice.

The good thing is that after yet another brutal week, I don’t feel like all hope is lost.  Even though I should be catching up on some much needed sleep, I ended up getting up earlier than usual because all I wanted to do was write.  That’s a good sign, isn’t it?